The Author -The idea of this book is to take its readers through the path of life, detailing every major landmark that the fortunate among us will face, whilst exhausting that most underused of human assets, humour.
Whilst reading try to picture me, your author, for if you can, it may help you to comprehend the observations of life made through the one and a half eyes of a disabled fruitcake. Imagine then, if you will a 28 year old man, with wildly overgrown strawberry blonde (to me its ginger) hair which makes me look worryingly like the honey monsters evil twin. That look is complete with a wonky left eye, accompanied by a pair of bottle top glasses, ginger stubble and a white sports wheelchair with Quckie written on its back and sides. Ladies that’s right, I am out there, come and get me.
Okay so now you have an idea as to the sort of halfwit who’s writing this, please read on if you will.
Well it seems that this is the most logical place to begin writing a book about the path of life. Let’s go back a bit though, to the act that enables us to be conceived in the first place. For the uneducated among you, this act is known as sex or making love, if your of a fairer persuasion.
Men take a second. No seriously take a second to consider the impact, the power, we have on the life cycle. I mean, literally in some cases, two minutes work and 9 months later, you’ve helped to create a life. There will be men reading this, thinking two minutes, he’s selling us short but think about it for a second, there will also be men thinking, blimey, I don’t feel so bad now.
Also gents, you are responsible for so many changes in a woman’s body during pregnancy. Not, despite what you have been told solely, it takes two to tango after all. 2 minutes work though, 50% of men reading this will be fuming now, there he goes again, on about 2 minutes, selling us short, the other 50%, yeah thanks for confirming that, it’s reassuring. Seriously though, one act and you are responsible for so many changes. A woman’s heart literally grows to cater for the being growing inside her. Her organs are literally squashed in her body, stomach, liver, lungs squashed together to make room for her expanding uterus, causing immense breathlessness. Her spine literally curves to counter the weight she has to carry, causing unrivalled back pain, a question from your author though gentlemen, do you ever hear about it? If you are reading this with your partner, the smart answer is no.
Now after 9 months of preparation, the best bit of which, for men is that it’s like a microwave meal, you did your bit by taking the foil off. Never actually use foil by the way, either during sex or for that matter in the microwave, in both cases it may cause bleeding. In fact for those unfamiliar with condoms, they are also cheaper than foil too. After nine months of preparation, though is it unreasonable to expect a battle ready being. A babies only defences in this harshest of worlds is to pee, puke or poo all over anyone that goes near them. Hahaa, go to pick me up will you, have that. For a baby to arrive like little Spartans, with little shields might be asking a lot but a good defence is what you need in life. However, ladies you do as nature intended, the best part of which is that at the end of that 2 minute collaboration, you create a being so fragile, so in need of love, protection and guidance, that you and your partner can shape and support to be whatever they want to be. All joking aside, how amazing is that? Ladies seriously though, the world could do with a decent batch of politicians so, if you could work on that, we’d all be grateful.
We may as well join the circle of life before filling it up, right? This section will naturally be less humorous, sure the one liner’s are there but the reality of death is just not funny.
If you are fortunate enough to get good parents, they will prepare you everything you need to face in life and sadly for some this truly is a privilege and not a choice. However, they cannot prepare you for death. It’s not the pain, people know what pain is and by default the love ones of those departed would expect it. It is however, the emptiness you feel. Just how do you explain to your children what emptiness feels like? It is after all the one feeling you are programmed to protect your children from. How do you explain the void you feel when you stare into that empty chair or that prang of despair, when you burst through the door, egger to explain the story of your day, only to realise they are no longer there to listen. How do you explain that the jobs, the money and the security you push your child so hard to gain, count for nothing because, you know within a moment that you would give yours away just to see their face once more.
Death is something we will all experience but until you do, in truth, you will remain clueless as to what to expect and despite the fact that death is all around us, you will never be ready for it.
Having experienced the void that loss leaves, we should not blame parents for not preparing us. How can they? Death is something that’s too painful to talk about and too difficult to understand. The best we can hope for is that our love ones leave us with memories, good, bad or indifferent it doesn’t really matter. For you see, it is those memories that will shape how you manage without them. If you can remember the good times shared, if you can feel that warmth then you will heal, you will never forget but you will heal. If you can remember bad times then you will take strength, that should you find yourself in a similar situation, you will survive. Memories are the only thing we truly spend a lifetime building and when all is said and done there all we leave behind. Objects are nothing without memories and it’s our job to ensure that when we leave, those memories are ones that our loved ones to build on.